Some cheerful photos to lighten up the last entry...

 

Mama. Mommy, Mom

Hard to believe the pictures were taken the same week- an interesting conversation with Mommy, in the sunshine, and being a little helper shovelling, with Daddy.

Awake and having serious thoughts- about being a mom.

A few things have made me think about this lately.

First, I overheard a kid ask another kid "What does your mom do?", which was interesting because it implied nice acceptance that Moms do other things- but also that Moms are MOMS doing something else, which is quite accurate. At least that's how I think of it, which sets up a conflict in my job, which is in some ways not unlike being a Mom to a bunch of people. Why do I say that? Well, I assume care for someone, take responsibility for their problem, to some extent I tell them what to do and expect that they will follow my directions, I know all sorts of personal things about them, and it all requires trust. I take it seriously, it is a privilege, and it is frankly REALLY tiring sometimes. I think when I went on maternity leave some of my long term patients had to grapple with the idea that I'd be looking after someone more important to me, and weren't certain they liked it.

Then on the way to work yesterday morning, I was thinking about how everyone in the history of the world has come from someone (or with IVF, a combination of someones), and yet, everyONE only has ONE Mom. It's like belonging to a huge collective and being totally unique at the same time, under a ubiquitous title - so many cultures have Mama's. Being Nolan's Mom is the best and most important thing I have ever done. I like the other things I have done and do, too, but this one thing- done by many before me and yet none before, cause Nolan is himself- is central.

Third- a sad thing yesterday, when I went to see one of my hospitalized patients- a very young woman, and having to write a "Do Not Attempt Resuscitation" order on her chart, because she is dying and it would be cruel and futile to be aggressive at this point. She's pretty, smart, fiesty, sometimes childlike, and has had a rough and chaotic life. I have been looking after her HIV and she has been excellent about following all recommendations- her HIV is well controlled and her immune system almost fully recovered, in great shape, as a result. In spite of that she is dying of liver failure related to her previous alcohol addiction. It's a really unpleasant way to go.

Relevance? Well, she's a Mom, to a lovely, tall- for- his- age little boy. One time when I saw her she was just covered in bruises and I asked why- she'd been involved in an event that culminated in the police trying to taking away her little guy (related to alcohol in the house). She - already frail and sick- apparently attacked the policemen to try to get him back.

She is being cared for, with her son, by her Mom, a stoic lady who just seems to accept all of these blows with unbelievable forbearance. In fact, her Mom has always seemed almost impassive- maybe it's cultural- but in her actions, her Mom has always just been there for her. When I walked in today, she was matter of factly helping her adult bed - bound daughter with some of the practical and undignified necessities of bodily elimination- like being a baby again, being that sick. I stepped out for a minute to let them finish. Her hands were so gentle, and the whole situation so painful to imagine.

Being a Mom is a job that lasts until you die, even if like this lady, you lose your child first. I hope I never have to face anything that hard. I wish I could help them.

Sorry if this was depressing, it's a multifaceted reflection that made me watch Nolan for a while (he's just so achingly beautiful to me) and then get up to unburden myself to the Internet, of all weird things to do. But, this is an unabashed mommyblog (I have no idea why some people deride mommyblogs, they are what they say up front) and I feel like I'm talking with friends and family here.

I doubt I'll be able to sleep, but I'll go look at Nolan again for a while.

Heading down to the lobby bar

 

Looking out at Victoria

 

An important call

 

Showah!!

Oh yeah... more words

Showah! - he LOVES the shower, here, and the ones
on the beach in Mexico
Nigh-Night - To everything, individually, including tub toys
Bye-ba, or Bye-but- said with "wave"- hand facing chest,
fingers curling towards self
Cooo! Coul! - Cold out there
Walk! - Now! It's OK, I don't need shoes!
Hot Hot hot! - stove, lukewarm food, picture of pizza
Buh - Books
Ock! Cuck! - Clock
theygo - There you go (also, see Heygo)
Coookie!, Cookie Gookie Cookie? - this means stoned wheat
thin crackers, so far. Don't tell him.

What else for stories? Need stories because don't have photos on this hard drive yet- I promise to post some after we get back from Victoria.

He LOVES eating with utensils, and tonight did a creditable job eating penne and chicken- the kid likes garlic and basil pesto- with a fork. The chopped up celery in the sauce was summarily ejected but everything else went down just fine, including dessert- the better part of a pear, in chunks, also eaten with a fork. He eats as much as some adults, actually.

Foreshadowing entertaining times ahead, now I routinely have to use trickery and games to get him into his highchair, or into the tub (tonight, his turtle was swimming but lonely so he had to go in and play with him). Wiley little guy, though. This will get more difficult I suspect.

One last story- this morning he woke up and we were getting ready- I was chasing him around the room while we were brushing our teeth- and he stopped and said "Ahma?", which is how he pronounces "Oma". I explained Oma and Opa had gone home, but we will see them again later, and he seemed satisfied with the explanation. Obviously he's starting to get some longer term memory now.

That's all for now. Next time, pictures!

Stories

I just woke up (it's 4:15am) because I went to sleep before 9. I lay down (very tired) with Nolan (very wired) to settle him down, and it worked for both quite well. Sociable me, with Mom and Dad here, but I had a long day at work.

I really woke up because Nolan, who is a cuddler in the extreme, after spending most of the night with his feet up on my torso, came closer by plunking his head on my HEAD, then settled for my pillow (heads are hard and lumpy). Curled up at my shoulder, curly hair tickling my face, head on my pillow, nose breathing- nosewhistling really, right in my L ear- he then settled into a deeper sleep. Cute. Noisy. And as usual, he starts in the middle and ends up right next to me, and gradually I retreat until he has my spot and I have an 8 inch strip of bed and have to hold on. It's a King mattress, too.

. . .

He's in a classic helper stage- he had progressed from washing Mike during bathtime, to loving the broom intensely, and yesterday he followed Mom around the house with a little green washcloth and a cup, "washing" the walls and so on. Too bad this stage doesn't last til teenagerhood.

. . .

Words: When other people are around sometimes he won't talk as much, but I'll start trying to record some current Nolanspeak....

heeygo- Here you go

SOkay- It's OK

Up! - Up, down, out, in, through

Nuh nuh nuh nuh!, or No!! - No

Mama, Dada- Persons to answer to my every whim

Wash! Wasshh!- I want to wash my hands, or brush my teeth with delicious vanilla toothpaste

Walk? Walk? - Put me down NOW / I'd like to go outside.

Sshhoessssss - Shoes

Tub Tub - Bathtime (said while climbing the stairs to the tub)

"Ei Ei Ei" - Dr. Seuss rhyming alphabet book (with lots of triple repeats)

Durdle, Tootle - A pocket book with little animals including a turtle

"Ee-i ee-i ee-i" - please sing "old Macdonald, Mommy, I'll do the chorus

"pfffffffffft" (raspberry noise through lips)- please tickle my feet like this Mommy

"chu-chu-chu-chu" - a wind up train

eiyss- eyes- may also say when pointing to nose

Toes! - usually said while grabbing toes under the table

Muk!- give me a drink, often said when gesturing to a beer bottle

Haum- Ham, lots please

cereal- cheerios, other cereal

scheez- cheese

That's OK for a first glossary, I'll start paying more attention for a bit as last week I counted about 25 words in one day so I know I am missing a lot.

By the way, we have a computer again.

Mommy and Nolan do the kiddie slides.....

The froggie slide, a big hit with the under threes who didn't question
getting burped out into the pool...
The octopus fountain- a good fit in with Nolan's shower (show-ah!!) obsession

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

 

Nolan's favorite place- the water slides, mexican resort!

Precontemplation of the slides: it's quite a way down.........
The rather fast spiral slide - Wheeeeeeee!
Nolan doesn't really trust Mama with a camera, looks like.....
From the top!

 

Whaddaya mean you want the phone back???

The last look is classic "Evil Wombat", which is what I call Nolan when he looks like that. Always expressive, and now, with new improved scarily attitudinal brows!! This was right before we went to Mexico, right after we bought the new camera, and also right after the hard drive on our relatively new computer died.