Mama. Mommy, Mom

Hard to believe the pictures were taken the same week- an interesting conversation with Mommy, in the sunshine, and being a little helper shovelling, with Daddy.

Awake and having serious thoughts- about being a mom.

A few things have made me think about this lately.

First, I overheard a kid ask another kid "What does your mom do?", which was interesting because it implied nice acceptance that Moms do other things- but also that Moms are MOMS doing something else, which is quite accurate. At least that's how I think of it, which sets up a conflict in my job, which is in some ways not unlike being a Mom to a bunch of people. Why do I say that? Well, I assume care for someone, take responsibility for their problem, to some extent I tell them what to do and expect that they will follow my directions, I know all sorts of personal things about them, and it all requires trust. I take it seriously, it is a privilege, and it is frankly REALLY tiring sometimes. I think when I went on maternity leave some of my long term patients had to grapple with the idea that I'd be looking after someone more important to me, and weren't certain they liked it.

Then on the way to work yesterday morning, I was thinking about how everyone in the history of the world has come from someone (or with IVF, a combination of someones), and yet, everyONE only has ONE Mom. It's like belonging to a huge collective and being totally unique at the same time, under a ubiquitous title - so many cultures have Mama's. Being Nolan's Mom is the best and most important thing I have ever done. I like the other things I have done and do, too, but this one thing- done by many before me and yet none before, cause Nolan is himself- is central.

Third- a sad thing yesterday, when I went to see one of my hospitalized patients- a very young woman, and having to write a "Do Not Attempt Resuscitation" order on her chart, because she is dying and it would be cruel and futile to be aggressive at this point. She's pretty, smart, fiesty, sometimes childlike, and has had a rough and chaotic life. I have been looking after her HIV and she has been excellent about following all recommendations- her HIV is well controlled and her immune system almost fully recovered, in great shape, as a result. In spite of that she is dying of liver failure related to her previous alcohol addiction. It's a really unpleasant way to go.

Relevance? Well, she's a Mom, to a lovely, tall- for- his- age little boy. One time when I saw her she was just covered in bruises and I asked why- she'd been involved in an event that culminated in the police trying to taking away her little guy (related to alcohol in the house). She - already frail and sick- apparently attacked the policemen to try to get him back.

She is being cared for, with her son, by her Mom, a stoic lady who just seems to accept all of these blows with unbelievable forbearance. In fact, her Mom has always seemed almost impassive- maybe it's cultural- but in her actions, her Mom has always just been there for her. When I walked in today, she was matter of factly helping her adult bed - bound daughter with some of the practical and undignified necessities of bodily elimination- like being a baby again, being that sick. I stepped out for a minute to let them finish. Her hands were so gentle, and the whole situation so painful to imagine.

Being a Mom is a job that lasts until you die, even if like this lady, you lose your child first. I hope I never have to face anything that hard. I wish I could help them.

Sorry if this was depressing, it's a multifaceted reflection that made me watch Nolan for a while (he's just so achingly beautiful to me) and then get up to unburden myself to the Internet, of all weird things to do. But, this is an unabashed mommyblog (I have no idea why some people deride mommyblogs, they are what they say up front) and I feel like I'm talking with friends and family here.

I doubt I'll be able to sleep, but I'll go look at Nolan again for a while.